just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
