so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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