there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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