my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
