our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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