You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
