She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
