my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
