Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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