It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
