look no pants
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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