Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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