tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Randomize
