he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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