There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
