took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize