Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
