I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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