she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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