If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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