I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
