1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
