thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize