WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize