I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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