WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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