I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
