the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
