I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize