my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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