Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
