I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
