Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That accounts for only three of the penises
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
