I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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