its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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