thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
