I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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