Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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