i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
