I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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