I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
