It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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