I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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