she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
