Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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