i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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