Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You're a waste of cheezeits
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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