just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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