1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i would punch a child for taco bell
i can't believe i had my finger in that
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
