Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
