On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
