I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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