you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
did i just pee glitter
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
