The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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