i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
