i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
