I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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