I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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