why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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