She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
